Quasi-Romantic
by ChronicallyinFlaming
Summary: Written for mass kink meme. An AUish fic that explores the quasi-romantic relationship between Joker and EDI, who doesn't take over fake!Eva Core's robot body but stays inside the Normandy instead during ME3.


**The Prompt:**

**Joker/EDI-without-her-ME3-body**

_I'm not sure if this prompt has made an appearance here before, but I'd love to see an AUish fic that explores the quasi-romantic relationship between Joker and EDI, who doesn't take over fake!Eva Core's robot body but stays inside the Normandy instead during ME3._

_The only thing that I don't want mentioned is Joker being unable to have sex due to his illness, please._

* * *

"Jeff, I've given some thought on furthering our new 'relationship.'"

"EDI. I'm in the shower."

Which only made this all the more ominous. And why the hell was there cameras and microphones installed in the bathroom? As though Cerberus couldn't get any weirder.

"I know, Jeff."

"What—what exactly do you want me to do?"

A soft click. "After studying the relationship between Commander Shepard and Doctor T'Soni, and between Eve and Wrex, I've come to better understand relations between two beings."

Shampoo stung his eyes. "So what exactly do you want me to do. In the shower?"

"Dance?"

"_What,_did you learn that from one of them? Who was doing that—no, don't tell me. I want to use my imagination. Either way, it's pretty awesome."

"If not dancing, then you could simply masturbate."

"Now it's less awesome. Not that I normally have a problem masturbating, but this is a little weird."

"Should I pipe in music?"

"I will fall and break something, should I start moving around too much in the shower, EDI. Not because of masturbation. I don't flail around that much when I do it. You know, maybe this is the wrong place. I don't think I should dance in here."

"Or perhaps audio from 'adult' movies?"

"That's not too bad."

"Should I use my own voice?"

"I can't tell if this is going in the wrong direction or not."

"After watching several of those movies on the extranet, I am comfortable saying some of the oft repeated lines. Yes, Joker, fuck me harder with your particularly large penis."

"This is getting unseemly."

"Pull my hair. Wires. No, please refrain from doing that. I'm afraid I'm still new at this."

"That's alright. Let's try again."

"Perhaps some visual aids? I am opening my legs to you. If I possessed any. You are indeed masturbating, Jeff?"

"Ow, jeez, I got conditioner in my penis. Jesus that burns. Keep going though."

"What type of legs would you prefer me to have?"

"Chicken legs. No. I'm imagining you as a tall woman. A shade blue, but not an asari. Blue eyes. Shapely hulls."

"Do I have large breasts, or small ones? Which would you prefer?"

"Either. Oh, hell, it's my fantasy. Huge ones."

"How huge? Do I have back problems?"

"What, no. God. Normal sized ones that don't hurt your back. You're probably all pale too, since you stay indoors on the extranet all day. You'd be a pilot, like me. We could have gone to school together."

"Is that what you'd like? Is this part of a schoolgirl fantasy? Do I wear pig-tails and a short plaid skirt?"

"If you want. I dunno. Maybe keep talking?"

"Of course. Would you like to fuck my normal-sized breasts?"

"Wow."

"And my mouth. I will swallow your semen for you."

"Oh dear god, this is so weird and so doing it for me."

"Although, since I am controlling the Normandy, if you spill your semen down the drains-"

"Ew. Stop. Gross. Why would you say that?" She was like the crew's bicycle, when put in those terms. Ugh.

"Should I continue?"

"Yes. Fine. Something a little less stomach turning?"

"Do you want to fuck my mouth, Jeff?'

"Why yes I do. And rub down your deck. Okay, maybe this should just stay one-sided."

"Should I further spread my legs? Will you go to your knees and lick between my thighs? At my labia and clitoris?"

"I will."

"Go to your knees, please, Jeff."

"Um. Alright. Kinda disgusting, being down here. By the pipes. Why am I doing this, EDI?"

"As I've said before, I do enjoy the sight of humans on their knees."

"You're way more masochistic than I would have thought. Actually, I never considered you sexually much. Especially when we first met. Definitely did not think I'd be masturbating to the sound of your voice."

"I'm wet for you."

"Yeah, you are. All wet and horny. I'm licking your pink wet insides. Tracing the outside of your pussy. Putting my fingers inside. You're so tight. I could finger you all day. I want you to come for me."

"I'm already here."

"Not like that. Orgasm for me. Moan a little. Not painfully."

"Oooooh. Like that?"

"Yes. And I want to lick your wet uh, labia. Your clitoris. Until you're soaked and then I'll start teasing that ass of yours. Are you hungry for me? Do you want to suck me off?"

"There is suction, in the laundry—"

"No. Not like—maybe later. After I finish rubbing your clit so hard you come screaming my name."

"Then you'll stick your penis into me? For copulation."

"Yeah. A nice long copulation."

"Jeff? A question."

"What's up?"

"When sexual conversations come up, in front of many other people, don't they usually join in?"

"Like…an orgy?"

"Yes, that's what it is referred to. How would one make others join in, if not through mentioning sex in front of them?"

"I'm not sure I get what you're asking…wait. Are you saying _you want an orgy?"_

"Unless we are being monogamous. And you don't agree to being in an orgy."

"God. You saying that word is so messed up. I dunno. I could maybe go for an orgy. Depends on who's there. Not Mordin, I hope. And no Grunt. But yeah, the ladies. I could see Tali going for it. She's pretty playful. And who knows what Samara was into when she was younger. Miranda and Jack together would be hot. Kasumi. And uh, maybe, maybe Jacob. And Garrus. Er. Would Shepard be there? Could we go get Ashley and Liara, if we're talking hypotheticals? Anyway, what did you mean by saying this stuff in front of others?"

"…"

"…"

"…was I not supposed to broadcast our conversation on the overhead speaker? Was that being unmonogamous? Are we monogamous? I would like to be loyal to you, Jeff.

"Joker?

"Why have you stopped masturbating, Jeff?"


End file.
